A feeling of disquiet
I was sitting on the subway coming home this afternoon and at Atlantic Avenue a young man sat down next to me. He was clearly muslim by his appearance. He was holding a large bag and started fiddling with a cell phone. My first thought was, uh maybe this isn't the best place to be sitting since if there's something in that bag that's set to detonate soon I'm the first gone. I kept surreptitiously glancing at the bag which was partially open but couldn't really see anything. After he stopped fiddling with the phone he reached in the bag for a book and read the rest of the trip (got off at my stop and then got on the same bus I take, never saw him before this though). I should add that as of today the NYPD is doing random bag searches in the subways and buses. They also just increased security at my building at work and for a change are actually really scanning IDs and checking bags. And of course this after yesterday's bombings and coming in this morning to hear about the shooting in the London subways.
But damn, I hate myself for even having these thoughts about this young man. It's certainly not like I've never rode the subway with someone who was visibly muslim. And logically I know someone who is a suicide bomber is not going to go out of their way to present as someone who might look like a suicide bomber, kwim? And I do "profile" every day on the subway in an unconscious sort of way. I can easily fall asleep on the train yet I'm hyperaware of who's around me. But before this my awareness filter was set mostly to psychos. I mean this is NYC, there's always the knowledge you can could robbed, pushed onto a track, gunned down by the random Colin Ferguson. Several years ago I was waiting around 5:30am on an outdoor platform when I saw a man get off the train across the platform. I have no idea why but I immediately had the thought that he was going to cross to my side, which meant he'd have to climb down and cross the tracks and climb back up on my side. And as soon as I thought it, he did it. And of course immediately keyed in on me and started harassing me. Thankfully there were several kind people on the platform who formed a circle around me and held off the freak until a cop came. Several months later I was accosted by the same guy again on the same platform. Now this kind of thing I'm prepared for. I'm not prepared to feel fearful of all of my fellow riders, my fellow inhabitants of this city, never knowing if that peaceful moment reading my NY Times magazine will be shattered and make my son an orphan.
I know that living in NYC that another attack or attacks are inevitable. 9/11 was right before Brendan was conceived. That was the first cycle I was going to TTC. I was busy doing OPKs waiting for my first IUI. I had been testing for days and was running out. I remember as I was walking uptown through Manhattan trying to find a place to stay that I stopped in a Duane Reade and picked up another box of OPKs. It was the most surreal moment. Thousands of lives had just been lost hours before within blocks of where I was and there I was shelling out another $15 to try and start a new life. I did my first IUIs on 9/13 and 9/14. That cycle wasn't successful, but it affirmed in me that life was all important and that we must go on living. Here we are almost 4 years out from 9/11. I try and imagine what would happen to Brendan if something happened to me. I know my parents would love him and raise him, but I just try to imagine his world upending like that, to not have his mommy any longer. That I think is what I feel has made me hyperaware of my fellow traveller today. I am ashamed that I had the fears that I had based solely on his appearance. Yet, I don't know how not to feel that way when that the fierce love I feel for my child makes me determined to make sure I'll be there for him, come hell or high water.
And on a lighter note, a few Brendanisms -
B - I want to sit on the potty (running in with book in hand)
After a few minutes,
Me - Are you going to pee or poop?
B - No, I'm just going to read my book. Go and play Mommy.
B - I'm the boss and you're the kid.
Me - I don't think so.
B - Yes, I think so. I'm the boss.
Me - What does the boss do?
B - Tell you not to sing in the car.
But damn, I hate myself for even having these thoughts about this young man. It's certainly not like I've never rode the subway with someone who was visibly muslim. And logically I know someone who is a suicide bomber is not going to go out of their way to present as someone who might look like a suicide bomber, kwim? And I do "profile" every day on the subway in an unconscious sort of way. I can easily fall asleep on the train yet I'm hyperaware of who's around me. But before this my awareness filter was set mostly to psychos. I mean this is NYC, there's always the knowledge you can could robbed, pushed onto a track, gunned down by the random Colin Ferguson. Several years ago I was waiting around 5:30am on an outdoor platform when I saw a man get off the train across the platform. I have no idea why but I immediately had the thought that he was going to cross to my side, which meant he'd have to climb down and cross the tracks and climb back up on my side. And as soon as I thought it, he did it. And of course immediately keyed in on me and started harassing me. Thankfully there were several kind people on the platform who formed a circle around me and held off the freak until a cop came. Several months later I was accosted by the same guy again on the same platform. Now this kind of thing I'm prepared for. I'm not prepared to feel fearful of all of my fellow riders, my fellow inhabitants of this city, never knowing if that peaceful moment reading my NY Times magazine will be shattered and make my son an orphan.
I know that living in NYC that another attack or attacks are inevitable. 9/11 was right before Brendan was conceived. That was the first cycle I was going to TTC. I was busy doing OPKs waiting for my first IUI. I had been testing for days and was running out. I remember as I was walking uptown through Manhattan trying to find a place to stay that I stopped in a Duane Reade and picked up another box of OPKs. It was the most surreal moment. Thousands of lives had just been lost hours before within blocks of where I was and there I was shelling out another $15 to try and start a new life. I did my first IUIs on 9/13 and 9/14. That cycle wasn't successful, but it affirmed in me that life was all important and that we must go on living. Here we are almost 4 years out from 9/11. I try and imagine what would happen to Brendan if something happened to me. I know my parents would love him and raise him, but I just try to imagine his world upending like that, to not have his mommy any longer. That I think is what I feel has made me hyperaware of my fellow traveller today. I am ashamed that I had the fears that I had based solely on his appearance. Yet, I don't know how not to feel that way when that the fierce love I feel for my child makes me determined to make sure I'll be there for him, come hell or high water.
And on a lighter note, a few Brendanisms -
B - I want to sit on the potty (running in with book in hand)
After a few minutes,
Me - Are you going to pee or poop?
B - No, I'm just going to read my book. Go and play Mommy.
B - I'm the boss and you're the kid.
Me - I don't think so.
B - Yes, I think so. I'm the boss.
Me - What does the boss do?
B - Tell you not to sing in the car.
posted by Laura @ 7/22/2005 09:52:00 PM
3 Comments:
At 7/25/2005 10:26 AM,
Estelle said…
As much as we all hate to admit it, in this day and age it has become normal. I feel the same way... if someone looks or acts a certain way, I am more aware of their behaviors. I hate to admit that if I am driving down the street and pass a young black man, I make sure my doors are locked, but if it were a white kid, I might not look twice. And I live in the suburbs of an upper class city. I cannot imagine living in NYC and not having these thoughts. Unfortunately it has been hard wired into Americans' brains to be afraid, of everything and everyone. Ask someone in another country and they'll tell you they don't even lock their doors (although, I must admit, we leave ours unlocked a lot too) and they have no qualms about strangers.
I wish our world was different, where any person can get on public transportation holding a bag of any size, and no one thinks anything of it. Unfortunately, a small minority of radical people and a President with his head up his ass have made sure that that does not happen anytime soon.
Don't feel bad, 90% of people would have felt the same way you did.
Oh, and I love the part about not singing in the car! And reading on the toilet. Well what else is a toilet for mom?
At 7/25/2005 11:01 AM,
seasonalkat said…
I hate that we live in such a world, but unfortunately we do. I don't know if I would have keyed in the same way, but I know I am more vigilant now than I used to be, and when the kid is with me, amp that up another 100%. Its just something that you can't stop from happening (or at least *I* can't).
I too think about what would happen if E lost us and its horrifying. More so for Brendan, being that you are his only parent. *shudder* not happy thoughts.
The boss and singing in the car, oh man, that is SO something E would do!!! :)
At 7/27/2005 1:02 PM,
Daria de la Luna said…
You know, your reaction was perfectly normal considering what the media & the government have been focusing on. Of course, there IS reason to be concerned given recent events, but it feels like the fear is just being fed so efficiently on the news. Of course, that makes it so that the terrorists are getting what they want, to cause terror. I am sorry you have to feel this way, sweetie.
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