Trivia

I couldn't think of anything important to share, so here's a little trivia -

1 - I hate coffee. Don't like the taste of it, don't even like coffee flavored things.
2 - I have two piercings in each ear but never wear earrings.
3 - I was my junior high school valedictorian (which I also believe was my intellectual peak, lol).
4 - My major in college was medieval history.
5 - My first doll I got at birth was named Lisa and I still have her up in Brendan's closet. I also had a doll named David that was anatomically correct and who I loved to make pee, but he got lost many years ago.
6 - I was almost 9 years old before I could tell time on a regular clock and actually learned how in French class so could tell you it was midi or dix et quart before I could tell you the time in English. To this day I still panic when someone asks me the time.
7 - I live for chocolate, it's my goddess.
8 - I don't like chocolate though with fruit.
9 - I was 5'2" at age 11 and remained that height until I was 19 and suddenly grew another inch. I also grew a shoe size.
10 - I lost 120 lbs between June 1999 and May 2000. I've played with my weight since then and have been as much as 30 lbs up from that initial goal weight, but never gained any more than that.
11 - I had surgery on my elbows in 1997 to tranpose the ulnar nerves. I keloid badly and have railroad track scars on the backs of my arms.
12 - I read the NYTimes magazine and do the crossword puzzle every week. I used to read the entire Sunday Times pre-child.
13 - I'm addicted to Annie's cheddar bunnies.
14 - I always wear flats.
15 - All of the jewelry I wear regularly I got on my travels. My favorite ring is my silver puzzle ring I got in Turkey in 1996.
16 - I lived at home until I was 21.
17 - My favorite color is sky blue.
18 - My grandmother was 27 when she married and my grandfather was 40. My mother was 27 when she married and my father was 40. I was spent most of 27 on the lookout for a 40 year old.
19 - I'm allergic to silk and mosquito bites.
20 - I worked in a dentist's office from the age of 15 to 21.
21 - I had my first kiss at 14 with a boy named Greg in a Roy Rogers parking lot.
22 - I was a champion at chinese jump rope and UNO at summer camp as a kid.
23 - My first memories are being in my crib and my mother dropping books in it for me to look at, and being at the mall and being mad because she wouldn't put the back down on the stroller I was in.
24 - I get up at 4:00am on workdays.
25 - I used to only be able to fall asleep on my stomach but since I've been pregnant I only can fall asleep on my left side.
26 - I've worked in the same office for 10.5 years. I've done downward achievement, performing the same job since March that I was originally promoted into in 1998.
27 - I've never had a relationship with anyone younger than I am.
28 - My favorite books are the Raj Quartet by Paul Scott.
29 - Harry Potter are my current second favorite series of books.
30 - I ate hash filled brownies in Amsterdam.
31 - My favorite muppet is Grover.
32 - My favorite holiday is Christmas and my favorite season is fall.
33 - I'm a huge Hitchcock fan and I love screwball comedies.
34 - The first concert I went to was Depeche Mode when I was 15. The last concert was Sarah MacLachlan.
35 - My dream as a little girl was to be an Olympic gymnast.
36 - I've taken several thousand pictures of Brendan.
37 - Brendan and I are both huge Rachael Ray fans.
38 - I was on TV in 2000 on the History IQ show on the History channel.
39 - My bagel is poppy seed.
40 - Driving long distances gives me anxiety attacks.

More to come later.

I love this face

Brendan has been such a lovebug the last few days. Yesterday when I was walking up to pick him up from my parents house, my mom said he said "Mommy is so beautiful". Yesterday, he also sang "I love Mommy, I love Mommy, I want to kiss her now." And tonight when we were cuddling at bedtime, I asked him what was his favorite thing today and he said "Seeing Mommy." This little boy can really wear me out (I put him to bed early tonight because I was just dropping), but he really has been such a sweetie lately.
How could you not love this face?

A feeling of disquiet

I was sitting on the subway coming home this afternoon and at Atlantic Avenue a young man sat down next to me. He was clearly muslim by his appearance. He was holding a large bag and started fiddling with a cell phone. My first thought was, uh maybe this isn't the best place to be sitting since if there's something in that bag that's set to detonate soon I'm the first gone. I kept surreptitiously glancing at the bag which was partially open but couldn't really see anything. After he stopped fiddling with the phone he reached in the bag for a book and read the rest of the trip (got off at my stop and then got on the same bus I take, never saw him before this though). I should add that as of today the NYPD is doing random bag searches in the subways and buses. They also just increased security at my building at work and for a change are actually really scanning IDs and checking bags. And of course this after yesterday's bombings and coming in this morning to hear about the shooting in the London subways.

But damn, I hate myself for even having these thoughts about this young man. It's certainly not like I've never rode the subway with someone who was visibly muslim. And logically I know someone who is a suicide bomber is not going to go out of their way to present as someone who might look like a suicide bomber, kwim? And I do "profile" every day on the subway in an unconscious sort of way. I can easily fall asleep on the train yet I'm hyperaware of who's around me. But before this my awareness filter was set mostly to psychos. I mean this is NYC, there's always the knowledge you can could robbed, pushed onto a track, gunned down by the random Colin Ferguson. Several years ago I was waiting around 5:30am on an outdoor platform when I saw a man get off the train across the platform. I have no idea why but I immediately had the thought that he was going to cross to my side, which meant he'd have to climb down and cross the tracks and climb back up on my side. And as soon as I thought it, he did it. And of course immediately keyed in on me and started harassing me. Thankfully there were several kind people on the platform who formed a circle around me and held off the freak until a cop came. Several months later I was accosted by the same guy again on the same platform. Now this kind of thing I'm prepared for. I'm not prepared to feel fearful of all of my fellow riders, my fellow inhabitants of this city, never knowing if that peaceful moment reading my NY Times magazine will be shattered and make my son an orphan.

I know that living in NYC that another attack or attacks are inevitable. 9/11 was right before Brendan was conceived. That was the first cycle I was going to TTC. I was busy doing OPKs waiting for my first IUI. I had been testing for days and was running out. I remember as I was walking uptown through Manhattan trying to find a place to stay that I stopped in a Duane Reade and picked up another box of OPKs. It was the most surreal moment. Thousands of lives had just been lost hours before within blocks of where I was and there I was shelling out another $15 to try and start a new life. I did my first IUIs on 9/13 and 9/14. That cycle wasn't successful, but it affirmed in me that life was all important and that we must go on living. Here we are almost 4 years out from 9/11. I try and imagine what would happen to Brendan if something happened to me. I know my parents would love him and raise him, but I just try to imagine his world upending like that, to not have his mommy any longer. That I think is what I feel has made me hyperaware of my fellow traveller today. I am ashamed that I had the fears that I had based solely on his appearance. Yet, I don't know how not to feel that way when that the fierce love I feel for my child makes me determined to make sure I'll be there for him, come hell or high water.

And on a lighter note, a few Brendanisms -

B - I want to sit on the potty (running in with book in hand)
After a few minutes,
Me - Are you going to pee or poop?
B - No, I'm just going to read my book. Go and play Mommy.

B - I'm the boss and you're the kid.
Me - I don't think so.
B - Yes, I think so. I'm the boss.
Me - What does the boss do?
B - Tell you not to sing in the car.

Potties and donors

Okay, two diverse topics, but both on my mind today.

On the potty front, dear goddess I don't want to jinx it, but it looks like we actually made some progress this weekend. I had held back off a little with training in the last week or two. I wasn't putting Brendan in underwear unless he wanted to be in them, which he mostly didn't. Yesterday after lunch he told me he wanted to take off his pull-up and wear his green Wiggles underwear. He was so excited to have it on and was dry the rest of the day, even though I had to take him to the potty. Today he couldn't wait to put on the blue Wiggles underwear. He told me this morning "I don't need diapers anymore." And several times he told he wasn't a baby, that he was a big boy. He was dry all day until about 5:30 when we were in the kitchen and he suddenly told me "I got to go to the potty" and then about 3 seconds later completely wet himself. But I was soooo happy about this because it was the first time he told me in advance that he needed to go, he just waited too late. I think he really does want to start training now. He may not want to pull down his undies on his own but at least he wants to keep them dry.

As for donors, this was an interesting few days on the donor contact front. Two women on the SMC lists had contact from their "anonymous" donors. I believe one posted to the DSR and the other was contacted directly by the bank. Coming so soon on the heels of the Washington Post article, I wonder if this will be just a limited phenomenon, men who may have read the article and decided to try and make contact. Or is this going to be a regular occurrence? Aside from the fact that I believe very few families would choose to have the donor become a regular part of their lives, I really do worry about the legal ramifications from all of this. What if there are enough families who do have contact with the donors, who start familial relationships, that a court could rule in favor of ending all anonymity. That cuts both ways, not just allowing the children access to the donor, but vice versa. That scares the hell out of me.

I have no idea how I'd react if the donor tried to contact me. I do have our contact information on the DSR because I would like to find sibling matches but until recent contact by the anonymous donors, it honestly never occurred to me that a donor would be the one to initiate contact. I can't possibly imagine meeting this man or breaking anonymity in such a way as to create a situation in which there could be a possible custody issue. That was the one great benefit of anonymous DI, the surety that this couldn't happen. It amazes that not even 4 years after I chose a donor that we're at a point where we're even having discussions about what to do if a donor contacts you. Never imagined it could happen. I think for me the ideal situation would be that the donor compromises his anonymity (I didn't use an identity release donor) and provides his name and contact information so I could have it for Brendan later on if he has interest, but that he in no way has any idea who we are. Then again, I guess that this wouldn't be ideal since I'd really have no way to be sure that this really was Brendan's donor. As someone else on the SMC list pointed out, there's nothing to prevent any weirdo out there from registering with the site and claiming to be a donor. Although I guess I could ask the donor questions about what he wrote on the long profile and I do have the audiotape so I could check out his voice, although I don't really have any desire have a phone conversation with this person.

And enough for the weighty thoughts and back to devouring Harry Potter.

Slogans

Veering off into political mode, some friends and I were discussing today how the liberals/dems really need to get off their asses market liberal beliefs better. From Darwinism to religious freedom/separation of church/state, etc. If we don’t learn how to play the republican's game, we’re gonna lose. We were thinking we could use a catchy jingle or some good slogans. Here are a few we came up with -

We actually give a damn about you even if you’re not an embryo.
Advocating free thought for hundreds of years.
We believe in making the wealthy and corporations actually pay taxes.
Clean air and water are good things.
You don’t have to be rich or good-looking-your vote still means something.
We actually want you to think.
No child left behind means we’ll actually put money in public schools.
None of our candidates are named Bush.

Any other good ones?

Mini Picasso

Today Humpty Dumpty like stick figures, tomorrow an outrageously overpriced piece of art at auction. That's my boy. :)

And not so sunny days

They may talk about the terrible twos, but I'd say it's more like the tyrannical threes. In the weeks leading up to his birthday Brendan's behavior had really deterioriated. There was alot of sassiness, defiance, non-cooperation, just flat out nasty behavior. He improved for about a week or so and then it all started up again when we went to Sesame. In addition, he started alot with whiny, screamy reactions and alot more of the avoidance behavior where he did his "pick me up, I need a hug" when he didn't want to do something or wanted to avoid the consequences of his behavior.

The Thursday we came back from Sesame, that evening all of the behavior coalesced into one little hell-beast of a child. So I decided Friday would be the first of the official crack-down on antisocial behavior crusade. And it was his first day in undies too which was just a coincidence. I had already planned the undies for a time I could be home with him, but it gave a whole new dimension to the get touch policy I was taking.

Oh my, oh my, oh my, it was an interesting 4 days before I returned to work today. I tried really hard to be strict and step in every time he whined or screamed. We talked many times about using his nice voice and that the screaming or whining was not an appopriate voice. The screaming or whiny often was in the form of his "I need a hug" and I must have seemed like the meanest mommy in the world because this happened several times when we were out and I told him that "a hug is not a reward for misbehavior." He would get his hugs eventually, but only when he was calmed down and asking in an appropriate voice and as long as it wasn't a dodge to get out of something like cleaning up or going to potty. And I also whined back at him several times and he HATED it. Good. I'm glad he got the idea that having to listen to a whiny voice isn't any fun and that no one really wants to do stuff for you if you don't ask nicely.

And there was the sassy mouth, the defiance, the opposition, the throwing, the hitting, you name it, we had the full kaleidoscope of fun behaviors. I praised whenever he was good, and took away privileges or "priveges" as Brendan called them when he misbehaved. I think it did start to sink in a little because yesterday was better than the previous days. We had only had one really bad incident in the morning when were going to go to the playground and he was at the potty with shorts and undies around his ankles when he gave me that defiant look and ran to his room and sat on the crib mattress next to his bed. I refused to chase him and bring him back. I told him it was his choice to go or not but that we weren't going to the playground and he wasn't going to play until he used the potty. I would periodically ask him if he was ready to use the potty and it was a good 25 minutes before the little bugger gave in. He can be soooooooo stubborn!!!! And he was so just so outgoing at the playground. He actually attempted conversation with two children there with only a little gentle nudging from me. Wow!!!!

And he was absolutely lovely at lunch where he ordered his own meal and fed himself beautifully. And when we stopped at a neighbor's goldfish pond and he asked me "Is there a doctor in the house?" and "Does Dr. Goldsmith live here?" (his ENT who has a big fish tank in his waiting room, lol). We got close to bedtime with no major problems, until he drove me nuts by yet again pooping in his undies and refusing to come over so I could clean him up. He's good at the peeing and loves showing off his "dry undies" but the pooping he doesn't care for at all. And of course while he was refusing to cooperate he got the poop all over and I had to get him right in the tub afterwards to de-poopify him. Yecch!!!!

But then I woke him last night about 9:30 to watch the fireworks outside. The people in my neighborhood take the injunction against illegal fireworks very seriously, not. There were four major displays within a block of our hoouse. We sat on the corner and just watched and the wonder on his face was so great. After that we got into my bed and cuddled and watched some TV before I got him back to bed. I wish it could always be like that.

So far today my mom told me that he's been very good but that he wet himself twice in the morning. I just hope he can save a little of the sweet for me tonight.

Sunny days.........

Mr. B and I had a fabulous vacation this week. We went with another SMC friend Robin and her daughter Judy to Sesame Place. I had been so nervous about this trip. Brendan had never rode in a strange car before and never sat next to another child in a car. But he was an ace travelling. He got on like a house on fire with Judy. I mean, he really, really took to her. Whenever we split up at the park he'd ask where she was. When we left each other yesterday he gave her a hug goodbye and gave Robin a kiss. It's so amazing to remember what he was like last year when he would scream and get anxiety attacks even being near another child. Being in preschool has been so good for him and being with other children.

We went to PA on Monday and spent Tuesday and Wednesday at the parks and came home Thursday. I had so thoroughly prepped Brendan for this trip. He didn't give me trouble about wearing the water shoes which he freaked with last year. He told me he was going to go in the water and was going to have fun. Uh, no. He did actually wade in the water in a couple of the pools when I practically chucked him in, but you would think it was torture to be in the water. And it was godawfully hot the two days we were at the park so it would have been so nice to be in the water, but he wouldn't have any of it. We did split a good part of both days with Robin and Judy so they could enjoy the water rides. Brendan also was very, very three alot of the time and whine and fussed and didn't want to do anything. Of course as soon as I'd take him on a ride he'd love it, or to a show, etc. He unequivocally loved all of the characters. We met and have pictures with (multiples even) with Elmo, Grover, Cookie Monster, Zoe, Ernie, Bert, Big Bird, Baby Bear and the Count. The only one we missed getting a shot with was Telly. He was just so excited to meet all of them and he hugged them and was so cute. And he loved the shopping, lol. We left with a poster, Cookie shirts for both of us, a furry Cookie photo album, plastic Elmo heads that he'd eaten French Fries out of and of course several professional pictures in addition to the zillion I'd taken.

Even with Mr. B being difficult alot of the time, it was a great trip. It was a blast to finally meet Robin and Judy and other than at the park itself Brendan was a prince the rest of the time. And I just love getting away from it all.