Inconclusive

That's the answer from the medical examiner about my cousin Chris' death. They'd been waiting weeks to get the full toxicology results, but they didn't shed any light. I just can't fathom that in this day and age that a seemingly healthy 29 year old can suddenly die and they can't determine why.

I've been dwelling alot on the meaning of all of this. Is there a reason why tragedies like these occur? Will we understand sometime as the years pass? One of my cousins who as I asked to be Brendan's godfather, had a severe drug problem. I can't even describe the hell he went through and took the rest of the family through. But he's been clean now for several years and became a drug counsellor. He took that hell and used to help so many others. Even on Thanksgiving and at the party after the baptism, he got call after call from kids or their families who he was helping. Now we know why Mike went through what he did. Will there be a reason for this loss?

I've also been thinking alot about Chris' mother. Liz has had a tough life. Her mom was schizophrenic. She was an inconstant presence at best in her life, and was unable to provide any kind of stability for her. Her father was an alcoholic. He was actually a very sweet man, but unable to provide much in the way of parenthood. She was raised mainly by a sister barely 3 years older than her. She got pregnant with Chris at 15 and was a mother and married at 16. She did have the good luck of marrying one of the nicest guys you'd ever want to meet. But Sam was a severe juvenile diabetic with kidney problems. Liz spent the better part of their marriage as the sole source of support in minimum wage jobs and Sam's main caretaker. Sam lived only until 29 when he died after his second kidney transplant. Chris was only 9 then, Liz 25. Yet, she pulled it together, went back to school and wound up marrying Sam's best friend who had been a rock of support to her. They had two more boys who are 9 and 13. Even though she's only 45, her own health hasn't been great either. She's been hospitalized for blood clots and has severe apnea. And then this senseless loss.

With Chris' death so close to Thanksgiving, no one could really imagine her wanting to celebrate the holiday. But she did. She roasted a turkey, baked some pies and tried to make the day as normal as possible for the younger boys, to let them know that no matter what else, she was thankful to have to have them in her life, thankful to have a wonderful husband and a family that loved her and that had loved Chris. I've always been amazed at Liz's resilience, her ability to try and keep the positive in life. I think she's still pretty numb and who knows what will happen when the numbness wears off a little, but I think she'll still be standing, still strong.

It also makes me realize that I need to do the same, to keep the positive in my life. There's a situation going on now with alot of mean-spiritedness, alot of pettiness, that I was letting bother me. There wasn't anything I could do about it anyway, it wasn't my problem or anything I did, but it was still bothering me that others could have that kind of meanness in them. Well, you know what, I can't change other people, but I can keep the positive. Or at least try.

Have yourself a Merry Snoopy X-mas

"Dear Santa Claus, How have you been? Did you have a nice summer? How is your wife? I have been extra good this year, so I have a long list of presents that I want. Please note the size and color of each item, and send as many as possible. If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself: just send money. How about tens and twenties?"

Sally or my 3 year old who wants a wallet for Christmas?

Nanook of the North

Think it's gotten a little colder here?

Brendan scared the heck out of me today

Twice. First I was on the phone with my dad. He was in his room reading for his "quiet time" after lunch. While I'm chatting with my dad, I suddenly hear some running and someone is attacking me. Brendan has apparently left his room very quietly and walked downstairs and then ran threw himself at me. I swear I must have screamed loud enough to wake the dead. Then later I'm in the bathroom and Brendan tells me he's going to fly down the stairs. I told him people can't fly. But then next thing I hear is a crash and him screaming Mommy. He's at the bottom of the stairs and he crashed into a plastic bowl near the bottom that had goldfish crackers in it and the dish was shattered. He could have broken his neck, but thankfully he only has a big bruise and rugburn near his shoulder. And I also was thinking what if shards from the bowl had flown in his eye.

Actually someone must have watching over me too. I left work 2.5 hours early yesterday so I could get Brendan and my mom could visit my dad in the hospital while it was still light out. There was a shooting where I get the bus when I get off the train. It happened just about the same time I would have been waiting there if I'd left work at normal time. Three people were shot, one the intended victim and two bystanders. One of the bystanders had just got home from Iraq recently and then gets shot at home. Shooting

So, alot to be thankful for today.

He did also entertain me a little. He's decided he has a baby sister named Finner. That's his spelling, but he pronounces it as Feener. This is in addition to his imaginary dog Valactor (pronounced Vloctor) and his imaginary cat Andrew. He also loves when I tell him how he used to speak when he was a "baby", like how he used to call me MeeMee instead of Mommy or he said tote instead of toast. He was the tub and I told him that he used to say wa-yer instead of water. He kept saying water over and over again, saying it like what-ter. He said "water is w-h-a-t-t-e-r, not w-a-t-e-r, that's wat-er" (said like fat-er). This kid cracks me up.

2s

Courtesy of Carolyn-

2 names you go by:
Laura
Laurita

2 parts of your heritage:
Irish
Italian

2 things that scare you:
Insects and mice
When Brendan has trouble breathing or has a seizure

2 things you're wearing right now:
Pajamas
Sweat socks

2 of your favourite bands or musical artists (at the moment):
Kate Bush
Alanis Morissette

2 favorite songs (at the moment):
Bertie (Kate Bush)
Christmas Time is Here (Charlie Brown Christmas)

2 things you want in a relationship (other than real love):
Lots of cuddling
Being able to talk to each other but not needing to

2 truths:
I haven't been in a relationship for almost 5 years
I hate wearing make-up

2 physical things that appeal to you (in someone else):
Eyes
Arms

2 of your favorite hobbies:
Surfing the web
Reading

2 things you want really badly:
To get a new job
To be able to buy a house

2 places you want to go on vacation:
Australia
Jamaica

2 things you want to do before you die:
To be able to travel as I please
To love and be loved

2 ways that you are stereotypically a dude/chick:
I love shopping
I hate bugs

2 things you are thinking about now:
Will I be able to get all the cooking done before I have to pick up Brendan at school tomorrow?
Should I go have a snack now or go to bed?

2 stores you shop at:
Amazon
Eddie Bauer

2 people you would like to see take this quiz:
Mel
Sonya

Honesty

Casey's post about trusting people had me thinking about when should we be honest with others. Do we tell someone something that might hurt them if we're not sure it's true? Or even if we know it's true, is it still right to tell them if they'll only be hurt by the knowledge? I guess maybe it depends on the person. Some people I think want to hear truth even if it hurts while others I know prefer not to. I wish it were easier to know what to do. I always waver on this since there are times that I have preferred to live in ignorance when knowledge could only have been painful.

Also I read a great essay in the NY Times Magazine this Sunday about honesty.

This recognition was real but initially fleeting. Later my friend ribbed me for what I'd said. When her ribbing irked me, I retorted: "Well, it's true, isn't it? I mean, we all do die alone."

She shook her head and smiled. "Honey," she said, "true has nothing to do with it."

She said this with her usual calm forbearance, but in the turn of an instant I went away from youth. Being young I had needed judgment to make myself distinct; because honesty was the way to judgment, I said whatever came to me, thinking the speed and plenty of my words made them true. I'd confused honesty with expedience.

And the way to the future was illuminated. From now on the task would no longer be separation and difference, no longer the sculpturing of a self to be distinct from other selves. From now on the task would be to find happiness in a crowd.

Yes, yes!!!! As I've gotten older I've found that while I don't hold back as much for fear of what others may think of me when I offer an opinion or information, I do think more of the recipient's feelings and needs. We don't need to say exactly what we're thinking just because we're thinking it. That's not honesty, it's verbal masturbation at someone else's expense. We should think before we speak and we should "honesty" is never a reason for rudeness or to inflict hurt.

Our specialest weekend

November 19, 2005 will be hailed throughout the ages as the day that Brendan POOPED ON THE TOILET!!!!!!! Yes, my boy is pooping on the potty. And did it twice today. Long story short, but Dr. Greene is a god. Essentially he has a method to gradually transition kids who are reluctant to poop on the potty. I started his method two weeks ago, and damn, now I have a child who POOPS ON THE POTTY!!!!!!!! I'm so proud of him. Just so proud. And he was so excited and proud of himelf, you had to see the ear to ear smile on him. And he's pretty independent in everything else with using the toilet. I don't need to tell him to go anymore. When he needs to pee, he takes himself to the bathroom, pulls his pants and underwear down, pees, wipes, and pulls everything back up. He can't flush yet, but I don't mind doing that. He was exactly 3 years and 5 months yesterday and my goal was to get him trained before he turned 3.5, and I still can't believe it happened. Per Brendan, it was the "specialest" day because he pooped in the potty.

But he had a great weekend overall and is so grown-up now. He was so good with my friend's 6 month old who we watched yesterday, trying to play with him and take care of him. He got himself out of bed this morning and came in to get me, when he's never left his bed before on his own (that one freaked me out a little, picture being the only adult in the house and suddenly hearing someone open your door). He behaved so nicely in church this morning throughout the whole mass. We went to the playground in the afternoon and he played with another child, really went off and played without me. I shadowed him because he was playing with an older boy, maybe 6. But they played hide and seek together and tag and were all over the equipment. I just couldn't believe it. He's also said some things that are so funny coming from his mouth. We walked in the church and he said "This church is just so elaborate." Yesterday we were walking and saw a sign that said Faux-Bricks. He reads it (and pronounced faux correctly) and says "Faux-bricks, that's a compound word." He also told me he wants Santa to bring him a black wallet with dollars in it for Christmas. This is a 3 year old? Well, he did try and eat some Shout gel in the bathroom, so I guess there's definitely a 3 year old still in there. But I look at him and there's just so much big kid and so little baby left. As we walked out of the church I looked across the street at the school and for the first time I could envision Brendan starting there in the fall.

He's definitely my grown-up, big boy, the specialest of them all.

Don't Hate, Deflate

This is why I love NY.

The grad students at NYU are striking and they’ve been using a large inflatable rat as a part of the protests. Most of the unions around here do that when they strike, not a big deal. Or so you'd think. Apparently no one had considered the Great Pointed Archer Society. What is the Great Pointed Archer Society? It is a society dedicated to protecting the rat against defamation. They were in Washington Square Park by NYU and they were having a huge protest against the strikers. Apparently it is an abuse of the rat, or GPAs as they call them, to be used as symbols in strikes. They’re motto was “Don’t hate, Deflate.” It was hilarious. They even had a big inflatable man as an alternative to the rat, a guy dressed up in a rat suit, a ton of protestors in t-shirts (that they were also selling) and a band. They outnumbered the actual strikers at least 3-1. They even have a website
http://greatpointedarcher.com

So remember as you go about your day, Don't hate, deflate.

Henry Fonda's love child

And it just gets better and better.

I'm starting to feel really frazzled. I was already on edge with my cousin's death, Thanksgiving next week (I'm supposed to be doing all the cooking) and then suddenly planning Brendan's baptism for the Sunday after Thanksgiving. My dad was at the urologist today and it was a possibility he might need surgery for his bladder. Now it's a certainty. In fact the urologist wants to do the surgery ASAP because the urine is backing up into his kidneys and there's been some damage. If he doesn't get it taken care of he might need dialysis. So that surgery will probably be next week or the week after at the latest. They won't know how invasive the surgery will need to be until they get in and start doing it. It could possibly be same day surgery but will most likely be more serious. And my dad is 78 years old, with high blood pressure and other health concerns, so I'm a little worried.

I did have a couple of interesting moments today though. I took a walk to Barnes and Nobles during my lunch break. This guy came up and tried to strike up a conversation. I guess he was just trying to flirt. He didn't seem to get the idea I wasn't interested and kept saying totally inane stuff. Finally he said to me, "Did you know I'm Henry Fonda's love child?" I have to say that that definitely got my attention. I honestly can say that I never expected to hear that come out of anyone's mouth. I laughed and backed away the way you do from someone who appears to be nice but is clearly a few cards short of a full deck.

Then on the train ride home I noticed the older woman sitting across from me kept looking at me. She was looking up and down at a piece of paper. It looked like she was drawing my picture, but I figured no. And then I dozed off. But I was right. Before she got off the train she walked over and gave me the sheet of paper and wished me a good evening. It's a nice little drawing.

Everyone though, if you could keep my dad in your thoughts, I'd be most grateful.

Good/bad

Things that are annoying me today -

1 - That my 29 year old cousin Chris died 12 days ago and we still don't know the cause of death.
2 - That our billing specialist at work was fired a week and a half ago and left one of my cases in a total mess and I've spent the last several days trying to make heads or tails of it.
3 - That at the same said job, my bosses last week actually told people that they weren't supposed talk to anyone else. It's nice to work under the watchful eye of the Gestapo.
4 - That after the photo cards I ordered from Kodakgallery.com came back overexposed and with Brendan looking yellow, that I got the reprints yesterday and they were equally as bad, and that their customer service tried to do a runaround on me didn't want to give me a credit, and won't until they get the cards mailed back to them.
5 - The dumbass who left two anonymous and stupid comments on the Jamarama post (that I've deleted). If you need to be an asshole somewhere, find someone else's blog to haunt.


Things that are good today -

1 - Two of my bosses are away at a conference this week.
2 - Ummmmmm.......

Okay, I'll answer that one when I leave this hellhole of a job and get home to my sweetie pie.

Do I want to have it all?

There's been an interesting thread on one of my SMC lists about the need for physical intimacy when you're a single mom. It's ironic since I'd just had two separate conversations about this with two of my SMC friends. We all seemed to be of the same mind, that while it would be nice to have a companion, someone to snuggle with a little, to go out with occasionally, to have some good sex, but that more than that, we just didn't feel up to it. I honestly don't know how some single moms date and find new partners, it just seems like way too much work to me. Between a full-time job, taking care of a young child and trying to fit it in a little time for myself, where would the time be to give to someone else? I think I would resent the loss of time for myself and to Brendan far more than I would enjoy having the partnership. I would like to have someone, but on my terms and when I find it convenient. Uh, not exactly the good basis for a relationship. Or maybe a nice long distance relationship would work. Lots of good passionate talk and periodic encounters. Hmmmm.....

What's also interesting is that I don't even feel like this is something I've resigned myself to. I just feel that it's the way it is and I'm okay with it. What I don't know though is if that's liberating or depressing or a little of both.

I went over to the dark side

Gag me as I’m saying this, but I voted republican yesterday. I just couldn’t vote for the democratic candidate for mayor. He’s such a butthead and I actually think the current mayor is doing a decent job. And he’s really a democrat anyway. He switched parties in 2001 just so he could get a nomination. Actually, I let Brendan vote for me so I wouldn’t have to flip the lever. My friend Jen assures me that this means I didn't actually vote republican. But of course that means then that I've corrupted a 3 year old instead.

But good news, the Maine anti-discrimination bill was approved by the voters, the dems won the governerships in NJ and VA, all of Ahnuld's initiatives in CA were shot down, and I love this, the local voters in the Pennsylvania anti-evolution controversy threw out EVERY SINGLE ONE of the wacko Republican anti-evolution wingnuts who were sitting on the school board. ALL OF THEM, GONE. (Okay, I won't go into the Texas ban on gay marriage passing. Yes, it sucks).

The search is on

For the elusive peanut butter Hershey's kisses. Yes, you heard it right, peanut butter Hershey's kisses. As far as I'm concerned, peanut butter is a wonderful thing, chocolate is a gift from the gods, put the two together and you have a rhapsodic experience. So you can imagine my excitement when I saw the Target ad on Saturday and there advertised was this wonderful new Hershey combination. But despite the ad, Target didn't have any. Or CVS, or Rite Aid, or Duane Reade, Food Emporium, Gristedes, Waldbaums, Foodtown. No one. Damnit, this is torture. I am putting a shout out for the wily peanut butter kiss. If you've seen them, let me know. They will be mine. Keep them in your sites - Peanut Butter Kisses.

Holiday pictures

Okay, I actually showed some restraint today at Sears. Brendan was fabulous. He was the total model, completely playing up to the photographer. We got several good shots, but I winnowed them down to these two. I love this little boy's smile.

Maybe he's watching too much Food Network

Today he told me S is for szechuan and A is for arugula.

I have to say I love listening to the things he comes up with. We were out for a walk and passed by one of our favorite trees, a gorgeous evergreen that you'd love to decorate for xmas. It was later in the day and the afternoon sun was shining on it in a way that made it look yellowish. Brendan looks at it and says, "it's an everyellow". We were talking about Bert and Ernie and Brendan mentioned how Bert sleeps in the bed with the B and Ernie sleeps in the bed with the E. I said what would happen if I took the B off Bert's bed. Brendan told me I better put it back "otherwise, he'll just be Ert". He's also told me that buffet is pronounced buf-fet, as in Warren Buffet. And Skittles are pronounced Skit-lees. Of course this is the same child who when sitting on the potty today, doesn't poop, but does stick a finger in his rear and tells me he has "tushy gunk" on his finger.

His first poem

Okay, my kid can't poop in the potty, but he can make a poem.

On the fridge we have framed from a preschool project -

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And I love you

Brendan was reading it to me, told me he smelled like a rose, lol. and then said -

Bluberries are blue
Yogurt is pink
Bananas are yellow
I think

I have a little poet!!!!

Happy Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brendan has a blast. He was a trick or treating pro, walking up to each house, saying trick or treat and thanking everyone. You'd never know he was walking around with a 101 temp would you?

Halloween was also 4 years ago to the day that I got my positive beta. It's amazing just how quickly the time has flown. See my little Halloween man and how he's grown.